Lost

Lol I don't know why I started this blog, as I look back on it it only looks like I'm hurting my self, it's ok though it's a habit we gotta break.name this one lost because that's what I am I'm lost no sense of direction or guidance, to proud to beg for help and the few who can, just not looking for help, in my mind there are tones of things that go on, from is this the right move will Erevaner make it, what's next, what's better what's worst what's worth it what do I really want, how can I really help not only them but me, when does my reasons become an excuse, am I being pushed or tested do I have to Kill any man over just thoughts alone, why do I have such hateful thoughts,why do I have no one around me worth being around, am I stuck or am I just on some b.s why is it where ever I go nothing goes right. Why am I so hard on me, why is my picture the blurrier picture why am I so strong for a world I do not live in but for my everyday life it's so hard to breathe, why didn't I wait, why didn't I be as stunning and as charming as I seem to, why do it feel like being shitted on is some kind of enjoyment, why do I care what others say, why am I not trying as hard as I once was, when, did I ever see a sign of en trace or did I create one, why do everybody think I'm going crazy, did I create a world that don't exist do I think the see me and they really don't, or have they really been watching me since they read my name,am I wrong for wanting the baptist church to fight for it's young like other churches, am I wrong for feeling the way I feel about her, I feel like imstupid for not even being able to stand a female friendship because of how bad I want this relationship. Not only want it but want it to work, am I wrong because it feels like imgetting looked passed and I just allow it and go get right back in line, am I wrong that my feelings will allow me to feel like a fool but won't allow me to broadcast any more, am I wrong for just not knowing, not knowing where IRS going where it is ends. Where it begins am I wrong for counting a single day until my heart and my both feel as though I'm loved. Am I wrong for the dates I don't keep up with, am I wrong feeling like I'm programmed to write this, like its wanted or needed but in return I just get to wonder, am I wrong for being so comfortable with mediocre way and things that I'm stuck in a mediocre life, it feel like I showed my all and in return my weaknesses sometimes wins over my strength, sometimes I wish I tried hard, sometimes I wish I tried , well I'm not gonna say never because, I really really want to marry her, nah like really, and that why I'm stuck, that's why I'm lost because I have to be so sure she's the one I'll go brain dead till very second I'm sure she's not, that's why I hold my breath to pass out, to see if shell be there when I wake up, that's why I'm daydreaming and having conversations with her when she ain't here, I had to see if she was the one and she had to see if I was and ihope to god I am, I put myself in a icky situation. I wiped away my support system because they didn't support this and I have no intentions on turning back, that's why I've locked my self inside homes in just let my inside eat through that's why slowed down on taking pictures or commenting on them because I'm just not sure what I'm doing at times. I don't wanna know but it's like you want me to know and I'm losing the signals I'm losing the message I'm losing the reasons why I forgot who I was and I'm ok with that because il be able to find me. But if I lose you I don't know if il be able to find the strength to pretend im not crazy forever. I won't go crazy won't kill myself, but if I had to I would ask every female that made you worry to kill me. Im not gonna lie I doubt because of how it was presented, how I was presented how I am unable to get over the fact that I might be wrong about how or who I am. I was lost up until the day I find you, if ever I do I once was lost but now I'm found, words mean nothng if these words had no meaning